cartesianism | Epilogue

Epilogue

Welcome to Cartesio!

You open your eyes and see the ceiling of the lodge. There is no real sensation of having slept, but you're still feeling rested. Sitting up, you can see that the building around you is in ruins. Dust and dirt dominate your environment. Around you, there are familiar people - some of them you've been with up until now, some of them you have been brutally forced to part with weeks ago. They all look alright, a little confusion aside.

From a corner of the room, you can hear the soft whirring of a machine. Upon examination, you can see that it's 3D-printing more gelatinous bodies like you've seen earlier today. Every body that is dispensed from the machine is a safe haven for another mind from the simulation, another mind to join your ranks as real people.

After you've adjusted to the new situation and left the lodge, you find yourself greeted with perfect sunshine. There's a town welcoming you, friendly and peaceful. Though it is more modern than what you are used to, there is no mistaking it.

Cartesio, Nevada, welcomes you.

You're new people, in a new world. Every chance it has to offer is open for you.

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We all did it. You had just as much to do with it as I did.

[Another pause, and then...]

You want to tell me what you’re thinking?

[There's a long pause at that. It's not something he wants to answer -- not really. There's just so much going on, so much that he's had to digest with not a lot of time to really absorb all of it and there's yet another decision he has to make that he feels utterly unequipped to deal with.

So....]

I don't know.

[A breath out.]

I feel...... so lost right now.

...Yeah. I get it.

[She reaches out to put a hand on his shoulder.]

None of this... should have happened.

[He glances first at that hand on his shoulder, then makes eye contact.]

It's just...

[He's not going to say it. All of them are going through a rough time right now, and they should be celebrating. Really. They brought back their dead, they've put a stop to the Sergeant and the quantum computer. They've won their freedom. It shouldn't be hard.

Time to deflect with something that probably doesn't sound like a deflection.]

Sorry. I'm just trying to decide what to do with Shiro.

[His name's on the list to be printed and all. Higher priority than Cosmo, too.]

No, seriously, you don't have anything to apologize for. I get it.

[If she catches the deflection, she doesn't mention it - they have a while to talk about it, after all.]

...I wish I could help you choose. [But it's not her place.] I can listen, though.

[There's a long silence, but eventually he looks away, expression crumpling.]

I don't want to do this without Shiro.

[It's so childish and so fucking embarrassing to admit.]

But I can't do this to him, either. Not again.

[After a few moments:]

There's nothing wrong with that, you know. With... wanting him to be there. [All the same:] Not again?

...yeah. He's been cloned before.

[God. Shiro had such a fucked up life. There's a bitterness to his voice that doesn't match his attempt to be more distanced about it.]

When he was captured by the Galra, they cloned him. There were... hundreds of him that they kept in a facility. When he died...Black kept the real Shiro's quintessence stored inside him and we only recently got him back into a clone's body and...

[Deep breath.]

I know he hurt a lot because of all that. I can't be the one who does that to him again.

[She can't say she understands that, but - she can understand that it's hurting him, at least. She shifts her grip from his shoulder to his hand.]

...I think he'd be really proud of you and everything you've done. You know that, right?

[That gets a short, hollow laugh. "95% enrichment" and all that. But he does grip Natalie's hand because he at least appreciates the thought.]

What about you? What are you going to do?

[She has someone on the printing list after all.]

[She pauses for a moment, making eye contact.]

Before I tell you, I want to make sure you know I'm not kidding about the last thing.

I know you're not kidding.

[It's just.. not something he fully believes. There's a difference, you see. He makes eye contact as well.]

I wouldn't take any of what I did back in the end, so.. it just doesn't really matter. That's all.

Right, but... Whether or not you realize that matters to me.

[She sighs.]

I don't know. How proud can you really be of the most corruptible person here?

[There's a bit of a headshake at that, but a faint smile too. He doesn't fully believe that at face value, though it doesbug him if he thinks about it for too long.]

Well. He always knew I was stubborn, I guess.

[A beat.]

So you were saying...?

You know that he's always been full of shit, right? He can call you enriched all he wants, but you never killed everyone. You did everything you could to keep everyone safe, more than almost anyone here. So... Don't listen to that asshole, okay?

[She sighs.]

...I don't know if it's right of me to do it to her, either.

I'm not really. It's just... weird.

[For various reasons, but that's neither here nor there for now.]

Your mom, right?

...Yeah, my mom.

[She takes a breath, running a hand through her hair.]

It's kind of... I mean, it's not funny, but it's like, I've spent most of my life wishing I could get away from her. It should be easy.

[And yet...]

[Quiet for a moment.]

Feelings about family get complicated. I know what you mean.

[In contrast to his silence, she's quick to speak, as if the silence has her anxious somehow. The words out of her mouth are just as stressed.]

...It's not like she even wanted the life she had before this place. That'd only get worse here, right?

[Concern is immediate as he looks at her, even if it takes him another moment to decide what to say to that.]

I don't know. [The honest answer. Neither of them really know what this world is like in the end. But:] It'll probably be difficult to adjust to a brand new place starting from nothing.

[A beat.]

....It depends on what you want to do.

Yeah, well. She's not really the adjusting sort. She's basically the opposite of that.

[She takes a breath.]

I don't know. It sounds stupid, but - even if she never really cared about me, I always kind of hoped that one day she would, you know? Giving up that chance is just... [She trails off.] But maybe it's enough that the other version of myself or whatever still does.

[His reply is quick.]

That's not stupid at all, Natalie. You deserve a whole lot better.

[Honestly? He hates it. He hates that she has to feel unwanted and unloved when there's just so much good about her. But there's a pause, a sigh as he tries to let some of the force behind his tone go.]

...But I get it. She's your mom, after all. You can't help wishing it could be different. I did the same, even when I was mad that mine left me, you know?

[His hand tightens a little around hers.]

What I'm trying to say is that maybe you should focus on being the person that makes you happy, rather than the person you think would make your mom happy.

...Thanks.

[As is typical for the two of them, her response is shorter, but just as sincere.]

Maybe we can both find something that makes us happy now.

You don't have to thank me for pointing out the truth, you know.

[But the next part of that gets a bit of a pause. She asked him weeks ago what would make him happy here, and parts of that got fulfilled, other parts... not so much, and right now it's hard to fathom what being happy really even looks like.]

....What would make you happy?

...Staying with you.

[She says, trying to ignore the color creeping into her face.]

God, that was sappy. I can't believe I actually just said that.

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cw suicidal ideation

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