week 4 afterparty

[odasaku]

[ well, that was definitely A Trial.

however, oda understands that everyone must be feeling a little heavy, considering the death of someone like jughead and whatever bullshit dazai said earlier.

so, at everyone's door is a note that says the following:

If you don't want to be alone, come to the diner.

There's food.

oda himself is at the diner, although there's no food on his table, nor is he being a very good host of a party. he's just sitting alone at a table next to a window, staring out of it in deep thought. ]

Comments

[pursuitofdeath]

...me?

[Dazai blinks.]

I’ve been told that I will never find anything that could possibly fill the void inside of myself. And yet I’ve tried. But it’s useless for me. I’ve never been able to change. So I’ve accepted that void as part of myself. And I do my best to live with it.

[quickpersuader]

[Uh-huh...]

So... the only people who can be saved are those without a "void" inside.

[pursuitofdeath]

...maybe there are people who can find something to fill it and be happy. But— I wouldn’t know anything about that.

[quickpersuader]

[Dazai, this keeps shifting...]

Then those who can't be saved are those who can't find happiness?

[pursuitofdeath]

[...]

...that’s my truth, at least.

[quickpersuader]

[Kino tilts her head down in thought.]

So... You save others by making them happy? Or saving their lives?

Or both?

[It's such a vague concept...]

[pursuitofdeath]

...someone who can't identify his own happiness... probably isn't capable of making others happy.

Wouldn't you think?

All I can do is protect them so that they can find that themselves.

[quickpersuader]

That sounds like a lie.

[Kino becomes blunt.]

There's all kinds of ways someone can make others happy without knowing a thing about them. Why would you need to know what happiness is to do that?

[pursuitofdeath]

[Called out in one shot...]

...if that's the case than maybe it's easier. Without my own feelings to put to it, I should be able to focus on their own, right...?

[...which brings us to the heart of it.]

[quickpersuader]

You were going to put your own feelings over ours when you tried to save us from being chosen as executioner.

[There is no anger, no judgment. Just the even tone of stated fact.]

[pursuitofdeath]

...it’s very strange. My behavior today wasn’t logical at all.

[Having feelings isn’t. He doesn’t know how. And despite his intellect it took him this long to see it...]

Those were... my feelings?

[....]

[quickpersuader]

[Oh, Dazai.]

...Yes, I think it must be.

[pursuitofdeath]

That is... a problem.

[Sorry but having a feeling is the most difficult thing that could have happened to him. It’s bad??? It’s defin causing trouble.]

[quickpersuader]

Isn't that what you wanted?

[pursuitofdeath]

I... yes. I think so?

...it’s complicated.

I once tried to find that part of myself but— that was a long time ago. A lot has changed.

[Is he sure of anything he’s saying right now? No.]

[quickpersuader]

But it sounds like you've found it now.