week 5, post trial.

[robitussin]

[Another week draws to a close, but as more culprits are led away, something is different all the same. After this particular trial, perhaps it's not a surprise that there's no note or offer to meet in a specific place tonight. Can any of them say they have any energy or desire to do something like that at a time like this? The place they regrouped last Saturday evening stands there, burned nearly beyond recognition, and the townspeople look at them with the distrust that's been steadily building. Not to mention... Those are the least of the losses they've faced in the last few days.

Of course, even as so much changes day by day, the town remains, with plenty of places for people to go if they don't want to stay inside the motel. Where can you be found tonight?]

Comments

[pursuitofdeath]

[In this sea of loss, there is still one thing he has left. The most impossible of them all— the one who’s lit up this change in him. He can’t say with words how glad he is to have Oda at his side in this moment, not angry at him for going against the life he asked him to live, but supporting him.]

Odasaku.

[But a head pat won’t be enough for him right now. He leans against Oda, snuggling right up to his side.]

[odasaku]

[ he'll lean into the snuggle, limply leaning his head against dazai. he's just so, so tired. ]

Thank you, Dazai. For everything.

[pursuitofdeath]

...that’s silly. There’s nothing to thank me for. I only... did what I wanted to.

[And several times it was a mess.]

There are more than a few things I... still owe you apologies for.

[odasaku]

No. I'm the one that owes you an apology.

[ he shakes his head, breaths slowing as he evens out the erratic beating of his heart. ]

I spoke to the Sergeant a few days ago. I won't return back to life after this.

[ he closes his eyes, readying for the reaction. maybe...just maybe, dazai will know that this is a lie. ]

[pursuitofdeath]

[It’s a lie. He knows. But more important than that is the question of why. Why is it a lie? Why is he lying to him now?]

...after all the time I spent trying to avoid you, you chase after me just to wait and tell me this?

[He’s not sure he wants Oda to know that he’s aware of the lie yet.]

Why?

[odasaku]

...Because I made a mistake, last time.

[ 'i have one regret', he had once told the soldier he took his life with. 'i did not get to say goodbye to my best friend' ]

I want to say goodbye this time around.

[pursuitofdeath]

[Dazai feels this unpleasant chill.]

...don’t say something like that.

[That’s... that’s real. And suddenly his heart is racing in a panic.]

Don’t...

[odasaku]

I'd have to go sooner or later, Dazai.

[ it's that lie again. this time, it's easier to say. ]

I don't know if I'll succeed or not, but I don't want to leave without saying good bye.

CW: survivor’s guilt and stupid ass reasoning

[pursuitofdeath]

[Is he trying to make some excuse so that Dazai won’t feel hurt? It won’t work in that regard in the slightest. Dazai feels like his chest is being ripped apart from the inside. His face hurts from holding in a wave of emotion that tries to come out. It always comes back to this. Even despite it all he still— he can’t do anything.]

...I wish I could be what you need.

[That someone like him could be worth the same as what those Oda’s lost had.]

If it could have been me and not them—

[To think. That he’d have wanted to live enough to feel survivor’s guilt on top of all the other messed up things running through his head.]

[odasaku]

My reactions wouldn't have been any different.

[ oda cuts dazai off immediately. even if his tone is flat and his gaze is so weary, he understands how he must be feeling. blaming himself and wishing that he had done something different or something more.

no.

this was bound to happen eventually. he's far too broken to be put back together. far too marred in red and far too twisted to return into his original form. ]

I just know you won't die easily.

cw: suicide mentions vaguely

[pursuitofdeath]

...even against my every wish. This world continues to find things to take from me. And I’ve been a right fool here.

[He let his guard down. He... was a complete idiot.]

But I won’t make these mistakes again.

[Believing that someone like him could hold on to something like love—]

[odasaku]

I know.

[ oda understands. he's always been selfish and that's why he can never, will never end up becoming the person he wants to be.

but the decision has been made. ]

You shouldn't forgive me.

[pursuitofdeath]

[But even if he learns, he cannot undo what's already been done. This will always exist inside of him-- and that's why it can't happen again.

He'll forever be hung up on this one idiot.]

And yet you know I will.