cartesianism | WEEK 3: April 15th

WEEK 3: April 15th - April 19th

Third Week

The peaceful times are over. Moloch von Zinzer was murdered, and Nine was sentenced as his murderer. Everyone in Cartesio knows that.

Although life goes on, it seems the town of Cartesio isn't going to forget the tourists' transgressions. Not only they commited larceny in the cinema, they also murdered and executed in their town! It's no surprise their hospitality towards the visitors has cooled down considerably.

Not only they're maintaining a tense cordiality with them, they also have started talking behind the visitors' backs. All kinds of rumors are starting to sprout, yet nobody seems to be willing to say it to the tourists' faces. Talking directly to most passerby makes them distrustful, and nobody seems to want to be in close quarters alone with them.

It's only matter of time before the relationship between tourists and Cartesio starts degrading even further.

In the lobby of the motel there's a few more brochures, and the maps have been updated once again.

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[Welcome to the third week! If you want to contact the Sergeant, please post here!. Also please remember to submit your activity check!]

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[The idea that the Sergeant would save anyone, even if to just to hold them hostage, seems both absurd and not-absurd simultaneously. Keith doesn't know what to do with the idea other than to laugh a little dryly -- too flat to be sardonic or anything other than humorless.]

They'd have been fine without me.

[He says the words ironically now more confidently than he'd been able to tell himself his first day or so here.]

It was -- [It was my fault we weren't coming together as a team.] -- the lions will save them. They always come through.

[Always. Except for right now. Keith breathes out, brow furrowing.]

So if the Sergeant's using them as leverage, all I'm doing is causing them trouble. [A beat.] ... Guess that's not unusual either.

Edited 2018-10-21 22:33 (UTC)

[ 'What lion' would be a really obvious question to ask here, but Cian bites down on it for the time being. ]

Why do you think that?

[ Keith has been... a bit of a mess around here, that's true, so it's not hard to imagine him being similar at home, but part of Cian finds his dedication to action pretty admirable. ]

[It's hard not to think that he's the one causing trouble or the source of team discord considering the last few choice words he had for his team in his capacity as leader, but that encroaches on territory that goes beyond simple embarrassment and into the realm of existentially shameful.]

It's not important. It's just -- I'm not good with people. That's all.

[ Denying this would be to lie and that is glaringly obvious. And yet... ]

Being good with people isn't really all that's needed in a group though, is it? You're always finding ways to do something and learn something new even at cost of your well-being... That's something not everyone has the strength to do. It's valuable to others.

[Somehow he wasn't really expecting to hear any kind of encouragement. A topic change would have been just fine by him, and maybe it's his own fault for not being quick enough to have thought of one on the fly.

And for a moment, he's grateful to hear it. Soothed -- of all things, and it's like they've come full circle right back to the topic Cian started this whole conversation on. Keith looks across the table, smiling.]

[But the truth of the matter is that Cian's not the person he wanted to hear this from. There's a lot she doesn't know, a lot she couldn't know without further context, and in the end Keith feels weary. In the moment, he understands Nine perfectly. Wanting to rip a hole through space-time just to get one message out to the paladins he was supposed to lead.

One apology.

It's strange how the things that go unsaid can be just as burdensome as the things he's snapped in anger.

Keith looks down at the table.]

I wasn't just in the group though. I was their leader. That makes things a little different.

[ Funny how this diner meeting started out as Cian telling her tragic backstory to Keith. That isn't even finished but it also doesn't seem to matter much anymore. Cian is older, her wounds are older, and she is very used to dealing with them all alone. Keith is just... ]

What kind of team is it, by the way...? I gather there is space travel and lions, but do you mind telling me more about them and what you do?

[ Keith just seems like he really should be talking about things and Cian is happy to let him. ]

[This is already probably the most talking about his feelings Keith's done in years, and he's frankly still massively allergic to it. In small doses, it's tolerable, in larger amounts he starts clamming up and light headed. It's fun. Not really.

Technical details though? That's almost a little better -- or rather, it would be if the sheer weight of what he should be doing right now instead of being stuck in Garfle Warfle Snick 2.0 with the Sarge wasn't so suffocating. Keith picks up his fork, absentmindedly stabbing it into a piece of chicken.]

There's an intergalactic war back home. My team and I are the paladins of the lions needed to fight against the Galran empire.

[He looks up.

It's a long story. You were in the middle of yours.

[ She was, but now she wants to hear about the intergalactic war?? Though if Kieth isn't ready to share this with zero preparation time, then that's understandable. It already sounds... complicated.

Cian takes a bite of food and prepares herself to go back to her own story again instead. ]

There's not much more.

I grew weaker the longer we did it and I got scared. I stopped taking the pills that were making all of it happen, never telling anyone. The actions of a coward. By the time I realized that I really had to alert the adults, it was too late to save Miach. Tuan and I drifted apart as a result of this.

I... never knew how to feel about Miach's death. Of course, she would have hated to be saved, but at the same time I could never stop feeling that I let her die. Stupid, huh?

Especially since it seems Miach isn't dead at all... I still have no idea what to think about that.

[That's complicated. Not the same scope or category of complicated as Keith's situation, but he's considering it carefully. Listening and doing nothing else for once. There are echoes of things that remind him of Hunk in her words, a vague realization that the way Cian has lived most of her life paralyzed by the uncertainty caused in the aftermath of this one action may well be the way he feels now as a result of everything he's failed to live up to.

And if Keith's hated it for two weeks, then he doesn't really want to imagine what it'd be like to carry that feeling around with him for 13 years. He shuts down that line of thought fast, shoving it all the way to the bottom of his thoughts. Not important -- too many things that still need to be done here and for the sake of the paladins.

But he will say one thing honestly]

Sounds like you were the bravest of all of them. It's harder to live in the face of uncertainty than it is to run away and die.

[ Cian's eyes go wide in disbelief at this comment. She'd never even think to call herself brave - even on her good days, even when she doesn't think she's a coward... nothing could be further from her mind. Cian isn't brave. She will never be.

But hearing Keith say this now, across from her at a restaurant table of all things.... Hearing that, Tuan's voice rings in her head clearly like a bell.

"That's amazing, Cian. I could have never been that strong."

How can it be that they both say the same thing and say it so easily? How can these people who she admires so much come to the same conclusion without any effort? What can they see in her that she herself has never perceived? Cian doesn't know. She doesn't know anything at all, but she can feel a heavy knot in her throat and tears burning in her eyes.

It isn't like it was last time. No reflexive fear and self-loathing. Now there is just confusion and scorching hot embarrassment. Cian wishes so much she could be the woman that Keith and Tuan suspect in her. ]

Edited 2018-10-23 00:52 (UTC)

Tuan said... she said something very similar... when I told her... I finally told her... S-she said 'thank you'. She said... she's glad to be alive now.... and I... I couldn't even believe her. I couldn't understand what she said at all. I--

[ Cian has been doing well holding in her tears all the time they've been here. When she cried it most often was private, into her pillow, and short. Swallowing her feelings, Cian's good at that. Eat them all up and smile, smile, smile while the weight in her stomach pulls her down.

It's too much now.

It's spilling out and she can't stop it. A sob interrupts her speech. She raises her hand to her eyes, hastily trying to remove the tears, but it's simply no use. A floodgate has been opened. ]

I'm n-not brave or strong... I left Miach t-to die all alone... even though I wanted to save her.[ The detail that Miach isn't dead is momentarily forgotten in the middle of a pain that is a decade old. ] I t-took her from Tuan, too... but... I love them both. Miach may not have wanted friends... I may have failed her... in every... every possible way... and still...

I'm sorry... Miach... Tuan... I'm so sorry...

[Keith watches as the tears pool in her eyes before spilling down her cheeks in abject horror. Tension immediately rachets up in his shoulders as he stares at all this. as she starts babbling and apologizing to friends who are neither dead nor present and--]

Edited 2018-10-23 01:27 (UTC)

[FUCK. He knew he was bad at talking to people, but he didn't think he was this damn terrible that he can just get someone to start bawling when he was actually trying to say something sincere??

Obviously there's more to it than just that -- there has to be, but in the moment Keith's just utterly mortified sitting here. Should have just kept his fucking mouth shut, damn it.

He grabs Cian by the wrist to try and snap her out of this weird mindset she's in.]

Stop that. You're-- you don't have any reason to apologize, idiot.

[ Keith's attempt does the trick very easily. Cian stares at him and though she is still sniffling, her expression very quickly changes into one of mortified embarrassment. This was absolutely not a publicly correct way to behave. The concept of publicly correct acting may be a little bit fucked up, but in this case she also upset Keith so a bit more of publicly correct interfacing may truly be called for. ]

Now I just want to apologize more... but to you. I-- I didn't think I would freak out this badly.

[ She forces a smile back into her lips - Keith may have told her not to do that, but Cian has no other modus operandi. ]

It just-- Thank you.

[ Yes okay, this is better, she is getting on track here. ]

You said something... really, really kind here. It means a lot to me.

[ And it does no matter how much she can't bring herself to truly understand the meaning of his or Tuan's words. ]

[Finding himself at yet another loss for words, Keith stares at Cian again, feeling annoyed that he doesn't really know how to feel about this situation. It takes him another second to remember he's still holding onto her wrist, but he lets go immediately when it does finally occur to him to do that.]

I -- it wasn't some... [Keith trails off, inexplicably flustered. Why's he protesting this, what is there to protest other than the fact that Cian's gratitude is massively unnecessary here. He drops eye contact, trying recover. People and their feelings are just.. challenging to navigate. Somehow it'd been easier when he thought he'd messed up again -- at least he knew how to react to that.

Finally, he just slumps a little in his chair, one elbow on the table, chin resting on his hand as he turns his face to the side, looking more to the left of her than looking at her directly.]

You don't owe me an apology either.

Despite his body language, his tone comes across resigned rather than his usual baseline grumping. It's -- on some level, the fact that something this normal for people can get him so drained so quickly really drives home how alienating people can be. There's something punny and ironic about that coming from a half alien.]

Or your thanks. I just said something obvious is all.

Edited 2018-10-23 08:33 (UTC)

[ With both of her hands now free, Cian uses them to wipe away her tears with determination. Her two minutes of breakdown are over, she's done now, thank you very much. ]

The fact that you did say it means something to me though.

[ Leaving it completely undiscussed whether or not she agrees Keith's assessment is 'obvious'. Cian really doesn't think it is. ]

Emotions aside, that's why Miach wants me to die. For her, that is what being brave means. I'm still alive, so evidently I am still not reaching that standard.

[ Followed by a hollow chuckle. ]

Story end.

You don't owe her anything.

[That response is quick, perhaps out of a desire to move away from the topic of what he said.]

You live for you. If you want to die, then I guess that's up to you. But you;ve already carried thirteen years of guilt for nothing because she was too much of an ass to let you know she was alive all that time. Enough is enough, Cian.

[ ... ah.... Cian stays silent for a moment, letting that sink in. 'You live for you'. In the end, that had been the baseline of Miach's teachings as well. Funny how that worked out. ]

Who knows what her circumstances were... but, thank you. Sincerely.

[ You wanted to move away from thanks?? Too bad. ]

[Circumstances. Keith can't judge, no -- as Cian says, it's hard to know. But he does know that even when Shiro had reportedly died on the Kerberos mission or when Shiro had gone missing after their battle with Zarkon that he'd done everything in his power to find him again. Everything and anything.

And he knows Shiro did the same, that Shiro tried his hardest to come back. Keith's never doubted that for a second. It's hard to imagine Shiro failing to get even one message across to him if he'd been missing for thirteen years. Not even being abducted by the Galra kept him away that long. Heck, not even dying kept him quiet for that long.

It's hard not to read into a thirteen year stretch of silence as coming from any other place than cold indifference.

He'll ignore her thanks -- he's already said to stop thanking him. Instead, he glances up, expression more serious.]

It's hard for me to understand something like that. I never accepted it when everyone said my brother had gone missing on a mission. Didn't accept it when he disappeared the second time either. The first time, he was captured by the Galra while he was out on a mission exploring Kerberos. The second time he really did die. Circumstances never stopped us from finding each other again.

[ This kind of raises a possibility that Cian hadn't thought of yet: Miach might have really been dead and somehow resurrected only recently. After everything that happened here and that she heard about from others including Keith just now, Cian doesn't consider this impossible anymore.

But also, this has quickly become entirely besides the point. ]

... that's amazing. It must take a really special connection to achieve this. Both of you seem to be incredible people.

[A really special connection, huh? For a moment, something in Keith's chest hurts, just thinking about everything they've gone through together and apart, thinking about everything that they still haven't faced together. May not face together because so much of what's going on back home is unknown. A terrifying abyss that might swallow
Keith whole if he lets his faith in the paladins falter even for a moment.]

Shiro saved my life. He.... he believed in me when nobody else did. When there was nobody else there for me, he came into my life and told me not to give up on myself.

[There's a bittersweet smile on his lips as he looks down at his food. He doesn't have words for this. There are forces in the world that go unnamed, but are strong enough to move mountains and achieve the impossible.]

Shiro's an incredible person. [I miss him. So... so much.] ...You'd have liked him. Everyone does.

[ 'Miach is that for me' Cian starts to think, but then... that isn't really true, is it? While Miach has shaped her into the person she is today and while Miach gave her words and experiences she'd never have made on her own...

Even then, wasn't it more that Cian wanted to be that person for Miach, just a little? Hold her back from the abyss, keep her stable... just a bit. It was easier times when she still thought she could do that. ]

I probably would, yes. [ Cian likes everyone, in the placid little way she's been taught. ]

No wonder you don't think much of Miach, this is such a different type of bond.

[Still looking at the table, Keith doesn't answer immediately. He takes a deep breath first, trying to decide how much he really wants to say on the matter. He's already said too much, hasn't he?]

I just know that if it were Shiro, he'd have found a way to let me know what was going on. No matter what it took. Just like I'm trying to do for him and the paladins now.

I'm never giving up on Shiro. I know he'll never give up on me.

If there is ever anything I can do to help you with this, let me know.

[ Cian already knows that her own friendship story is over. Even if he would manage to prove herself to Miach now, what was between the three of them is irreparably broken. There is no way to go back to three little girls eating lunch on a rooftop together.

Keith's story isn't over. What he shares with this brother of his isn't broken. Cian thinks it would make her very happy to see them reunited. Keith would never make the same mistakes she had made, Cian knows, and still... if there is anything she can do to be of assistance just a bit, it'd selfishly make her feel better too. ]

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marmoron - 2018-10-29 03:51 (UTC) - Expand

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WEEK 3: April 15th - April 19th

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