week 4 afterparty

[odasaku]

[ well, that was definitely A Trial.

however, oda understands that everyone must be feeling a little heavy, considering the death of someone like jughead and whatever bullshit dazai said earlier.

so, at everyone's door is a note that says the following:

If you don't want to be alone, come to the diner.

There's food.

oda himself is at the diner, although there's no food on his table, nor is he being a very good host of a party. he's just sitting alone at a table next to a window, staring out of it in deep thought. ]

Comments

[quickpersuader]

[It might be time to dump more rocks in the pond, Kino thinks. But then she spots Dazai and, well, it wasn't much of a plan anyway. We have time to spare for this.

She won't climb after Dazai, but she will chat from below:]

...Come to think of it, I had a question for you.

[pursuitofdeath]

[Kino.... Dazai hums and manages a small smile.]

Oh? Well if it’s something I can answer, I will.

[quickpersuader]

[Kino gives a nod. And then:]

What do you mean when you say you're "saving" people?

[pursuitofdeath]

That was... what I was asked to do. When Odasaku died, that was his request. I didn’t know anything about helping people so it was... difficult. But that was why I joined the Armed Detective Agency. They... take requests from the government and military that are beyond their means and they solve them— whether it’s cases for investigation... threats to public safety... or escorting important individuals that require protection. Our goal is to help people.

[This is probably more words than he’s devoted to it in a long time but. There it is.]

[quickpersuader]

So then... to you, saving people is just helping them?

[It's a genuine question. Trying to seek out an answer.]

[pursuitofdeath]

In my work, that’s the definition. We prevent unnecessary deaths.

[...]

But unlike some of my colleagues I happen to think there are people that cannot be saved in life.

[People... like himself.]

[quickpersuader]

You don't think anyone can help you... With what, exactly?

[pursuitofdeath]

...me?

[Dazai blinks.]

I’ve been told that I will never find anything that could possibly fill the void inside of myself. And yet I’ve tried. But it’s useless for me. I’ve never been able to change. So I’ve accepted that void as part of myself. And I do my best to live with it.

[quickpersuader]

[Uh-huh...]

So... the only people who can be saved are those without a "void" inside.

[pursuitofdeath]

...maybe there are people who can find something to fill it and be happy. But— I wouldn’t know anything about that.

[quickpersuader]

[Dazai, this keeps shifting...]

Then those who can't be saved are those who can't find happiness?

[pursuitofdeath]

[...]

...that’s my truth, at least.

[quickpersuader]

[Kino tilts her head down in thought.]

So... You save others by making them happy? Or saving their lives?

Or both?

[It's such a vague concept...]

[pursuitofdeath]

...someone who can't identify his own happiness... probably isn't capable of making others happy.

Wouldn't you think?

All I can do is protect them so that they can find that themselves.

[quickpersuader]

That sounds like a lie.

[Kino becomes blunt.]

There's all kinds of ways someone can make others happy without knowing a thing about them. Why would you need to know what happiness is to do that?

[pursuitofdeath]

[Called out in one shot...]

...if that's the case than maybe it's easier. Without my own feelings to put to it, I should be able to focus on their own, right...?

[...which brings us to the heart of it.]

[quickpersuader]

You were going to put your own feelings over ours when you tried to save us from being chosen as executioner.

[There is no anger, no judgment. Just the even tone of stated fact.]

[pursuitofdeath]

...it’s very strange. My behavior today wasn’t logical at all.

[Having feelings isn’t. He doesn’t know how. And despite his intellect it took him this long to see it...]

Those were... my feelings?

[....]

[quickpersuader]

[Oh, Dazai.]

...Yes, I think it must be.

[pursuitofdeath]

That is... a problem.

[Sorry but having a feeling is the most difficult thing that could have happened to him. It’s bad??? It’s defin causing trouble.]

[quickpersuader]

Isn't that what you wanted?

[pursuitofdeath]

I... yes. I think so?

...it’s complicated.

I once tried to find that part of myself but— that was a long time ago. A lot has changed.

[Is he sure of anything he’s saying right now? No.]

[quickpersuader]

But it sounds like you've found it now.