cartesianism | week 5, post trial.

week 5, post trial.

[Another week draws to a close, but as more culprits are led away, something is different all the same. After this particular trial, perhaps it's not a surprise that there's no note or offer to meet in a specific place tonight. Can any of them say they have any energy or desire to do something like that at a time like this? The place they regrouped last Saturday evening stands there, burned nearly beyond recognition, and the townspeople look at them with the distrust that's been steadily building. Not to mention... Those are the least of the losses they've faced in the last few days.

Of course, even as so much changes day by day, the town remains, with plenty of places for people to go if they don't want to stay inside the motel. Where can you be found tonight?]

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Okay, but even if you think that, you shouldn't!

[Her voice cracks as she bites down on her lip, trying to breath in deeply.]

Why not?

Because I'm not...

[She takes another breath, trying to hold herself back from the reaction that she wants to give.]

Because sure, maybe that's true from now. Maybe I'm not giving up now, maybe I'm still trying. But I'm not... I'm not good at this, okay? I'm not the kind of person who doesn't fuck things up eventually.

[Another moment of silence.]

Are you afraid it won't last? Because you'll mess up.

...I’m not afraid. I’m certain, okay? That’s just... what happens.

[This time, Kino fully turns to Natalie, walking up to her properly.]

...You'll probably hate to hear this. Do you want to anyway?

...I hate everything here. What's one more thing?

You will make mistakes. In one of the worst case scenarios... that mistake could even cost lives. The weight of those mistakes might never leave you.

But... those mistakes are also what make us who we are. As long as you can keep living beyond those mistakes, even if they scar you, it will change you.

It might change you for the worse. But it might change you for the better. It's possible... it won't be a good or a bad thing, just different.

But part of how you change is in how you allow those mistakes to change you. Does that make sense?

[It's not bad advice, when all is said and done. She even nods, though her expression tightens.

All the same:]

I just want to go home.

[Just slightly, Kino's expression softens with sympathy.]

I know.

Please try to survive so you can.

[A bitter laugh.]

Who says that'll happen even if I do?

...I'm not the one who can make that choice, unfortunately.

[But...]

...Mm. My opinion doesn't matter that much. But I have a little leeway now, so I'll keep searching, too.

...Even if I got one, I couldn't use the stupid medal if it meant it'd take away a chance from someone else.

[She's abrasive and angry and judgmental and cynical...

But that doesn't mean she isn't selfless, almost to a fault.]